10 Ways to Spot a Conservative in a Bar

1. Chinos, especially if they are in unusual colors. Girls, look for the boys wearing faded kelly green or sky blue chinos. Boys, find the girls in baby pink miniskirts. Everybody adds a ribbon belt (embroidered with sailboats, whales or martinis) and a polo. Avoid the popped collar. (That look is so over.) Also—this is key—the clothes will fit. Conservatives don’t walk around with their boxers hanging out of their pants or their bra straps showing. We have class.

2. Hair should be neatly styled. Conservatives have well maintained coifs. Liberals don’t. Boys should stay away from girls with lots of split ends. Girls, don’t be anything more than polite to him unless you can see his eyebrows. He’s a varsity conservative if he’s got a side part. Liberals will let their hair get all out of control, just like their protests. Conservatives keep it in line.

3. Her makeup will be tasteful at all times. He won’t be wearing any. Girls will keep the makeup within reason—no crazy colors or application techniques. It’s war paint, not face paint.

4. They have tan lines. One hand may be lighter than the other from long afternoons spent on the country club links. Or perhaps he or she has chic goggle lines from a recent skiing trip in Aspen. Better still, a swimsuit line from last weekend’s regatta… *sigh*

5. Conservatives cannot dance. While they are certainly willing to get down with their bad selves, the sight can be…uninspiring. The best part about conservatives breaking it down is that they almost never know how bad they really are. This lends a certain gravity to the performance.

6. Conservative boys are pounding back America’s Beverage of Choice: Beer. That is not to say young, male conservatives don’t like their hard liquor, but they like it in shots and they don’t waste time or calories on chasers. Conservative girls will drink cocktails and beer quite willingly. They are the ones who pretend they don’t take shots, but gentlemen, if you ask twice and say please they may be convinced.

7. Conservatives name drop like it’s their job. If he/she hasn’t told you which congressional Christmas cards he/she gets in the first three minutes of conversation, he/she is not conservative. Move along.

8. Conservatives have good taste in music. And they like to sing along. We’re the ones with our arms around each other’s shoulders swaying and singing along when Bon Jovi, Tom Petty and any other white guy with a guitar and a drum comes on.

9. Conservative girls are the ones not hitting on boys. They know their place. A conservative girl will catch your eye from across the bar, but it is the duty of the conservative boy to walk over and strike up a conversation.

10. Girls remember—we don’t have time for young men who don’t at least offer to buy us a drink. Liberal, conservative, democrat, republican, doesn’t matter if he doesn’t believe in chivalry.