How to Give a Truly Thoughtless Gift: An Ode to the Obama Administration

Woo-eeeee! Thank God we have Barack Obama here to improve our reputation abroad. In the past two months or so, we have managed to improve our reputation abroad so much that we can afford to offend both the United Kingdom and Russia! Gordon Brown, British Prime Minister, got us a bunch of cool historical things to do with ships, ending the slave trade, Kenya, and Winston Churchill. And we got him…twenty-five classic American films. A thoughtful gift for a man who is quickly losing his eyesight. And instead of giving the Russian Foreign Minister a button that says “reset” as Mr. Biden suggested in a speech, Hillary Clinton handed him a button that says “overcharged.” Well, Mr. Lavrov, we know how you feel.
In that spirit, and in case you are planning ahead to celebrate Christmas in July, I have compiled a list of truly thoughtless gifts you can get your friends and family. It is important to move past the offensive but obvious gifts, like booze for an alcoholic in recovery or running shoes for the paralyzed, into gifts that really convey your brazen self-absorption.
Here are some rules of thumb:
1. Give something you would not want.
2. Re-Gift whenever possible.
3. Attack the core of the recipient’s identity.
4. Be on the cheap side.
5. Be late. Belated thoughtless gifts say, “Not only did I ignore you, I forgot about the occasion.”
6. Extra credit will be awarded to those givers who receive thoughtful gifts from the person to whom they give a thoughtless gift.
7. A copy of either of Barack Obama’s well written books is always appropriate.
For your mother, I recommend a book about parenting. Especially good if she has no kids at home. It says, “Here are the myriad ways in which you failed me.” Save that for Mother’s Day and you will get bonus points for being ungrateful on a day you were supposed to be especially grateful.
Your fathers deserve something…remarkable. How about a children’s movie. An annoying one with lots of baby talk and no funny jokes intended for adult viewers. He doesn’t want it, you don’t want it. That DVD will sit there, unopened, collecting dust in the corner of some living room.
Your significant other should definitely receive some kind of cleaning supply. And I am not talking vacuum cleaner. I mean, how clichéd can you get? I am talking a veritable bouquet of cleaning liquids—dish soap, wood varnish, disinfectant, multi-surface cleaner, etc. These little tokens of your carelessness are the tri-fecta: first, the recipient probably already has them in his or her house; second, if he or she didn’t, he or she would just go out and buy them yourself; and third, they signal dissatisfaction with your recipient’s ability to maintain his or her home.
Your siblings should get subscriptions to the TV Guide Magazine. That little gift that keeps on giving will give them second rate reviews and gossip and provide them with no information that isn’t already widely available online or in the local newspaper. Salt in the wound! Your sibling will be reminded of your self-absorption every week when the TV Guide comes in the mail.
Your friends should get framed photographs of you hanging out with people they don’t know or don’t like at events to which they weren’t invited. It is a special way of saying, “You are just one of one hundred and ninety friends. Don’t expect special treatment. I have been really busy handling my domestic crises and really haven’t been able to give you much thought.” Always nice to hear.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Polling Place

This election, more than any other in my life, has been conducted at home and abroad. Obama gave a campaign speech to crowds of concert-goers in Germany. Pollsters are calling Europe and Asia and the Middle East and Puerto Rico and asking them who they think should be President of the United States. And I like their thinking, I really do. It’s cool to know things that aren’t very useful. I have always prided myself on being a fount of useless information: Woodrow Wilson was the last President to write his own speeches for example. And when he left office, he stole all the booze from the White House. So these polls are valuable to the extent that they’ve added to my knowledge of irrelevant trivia. I mean, if we didn’t poll, how could we ever guess that Europe, that bastion of fiscal conservatism, would go for Obama? Is that less predictable than a poll that shows that most people prefer cancer-free lives or believe there really is alien life in outer space? But why aren’t we polling felons, preschoolers, and other disenfranchised and “pre-enfranchised” groups? I’m interested to know what they think about something in which they have no say.


The foreigners (and Puerto Ricans) are also blogging prodigiously about this election. It is not enough that they are being called and asked specifically for their opinions, they are offering them unsolicited and in great detail. Lest you call me hypocritical, let me remind you: I am a registered, informed voter, blogging, though peripherally, about an election in which I participated. For these people, I think the election is a little like another American obsession—the Tragic Death of Playboy Model and Gold-Digger, Anna Nicole Smith. Think about it… it wasn’t news, it had no direct effect on our lives, and yet for days on end, Americans were tuned in and riled up about the death of a reality TV star. The best part is that 85% of Americans told pollsters at Rasmussen Reports that her death got too much media attention and 59% thought the coverage was at best fair—that is, 44% of Americans thought that the coverage should be improved even though there was too much of it. Almost the same percentage of Europeans think Obama would be a better President.


I think the big problem here is the democratization of News. I just saw a feature on foxnews.com which allows viewers to report their own news, cleverly titled "uReport." Just video things and post them. I haven’t checked out any of this content, it scares me too much. I suspect much of it comes from the same people who, with their cavalier approach to grammar and spelling, post ad nauseum to news websites. I don’t care what they think about the news. And I certainly don’t want to know what they caught on film using the camera on their cell phone. Nor do I particularly want their opinion to influence public or foreign policy. More baseless opinions are not as useful as fewer well-founded, considered arguments from experts. But while we are after baseless opinions, I guess it’s ok that we are asking foreigners who they want to vote for. Why not? It’s probably better than pollsters asking Americans how to improve coverage of Britney Spears' latest custody battle.


An interesting contrast: When Angela Merkel was elected in Germany on November 22, 2005, Americans were glued to their television sets and blogging furiously as well. Except they were wondering whether or not Nicole Richie was anorexic. And that is almost as important as who is Chancellor of Germany. A close second really.

A Celebration of Actions without Consequences

In honor of the massive Congressional bailout this week, I think it’s time for us to really thank God for moral hazard. Let’s all get busy doing stupid things and avoiding the consequences:

First, let’s all buy some mortgage-backed securities. A ton of them. In fact, I will challenge you to corner the market for mortgage backed securities before I do. When they fail, and we lose all of our money, and a bunch of other people’s money too, I’m going to demand that Congress give me a few hundred billion dollars to restore confidence in our decision-making processes. Never mind that we made bad decisions. Why should we have to suffer for our own stupidity?

Second, I am going to open a car company. It is probably best to hire a bunch of people so you can intimidate the government into heavily subsidizing me. Oh, and backing my pension plan when I make bad business decisions. I am not going to worry about producing high quality cars or cars consumers want to purchase. However, when I fail, I am certainly not going to blame it on that. It is definitely someone else’s fault and someone else (probably the government) should do something about it for me. Yes, I will take cash or check, Madam Speaker.

Someday, when I have children, I am not going to require them to study or do any kind of homework. Instead, I am just going to yell at the teachers. Then I am going to complain when my school doesn’t pass minimal government education standards. How can it possibly be my child’s fault that he or she is fifteen and cannot read? After all, he’s received A’s for the last ten years. Oh, and standardized tests are racist and unfair. It is not fair that my child won’t graduate from high school just because he cannot add fractions together.

Finally, I am going to get a job working for the government. I am pretty persistent, even if I am lazy, and I think I can work my way up the ladder by virtue of my longevity alone.

I don’t think I would really thrive in a job where my advancement is dependent on my performance. Isn’t any other incentive structure tantamount to discrimination? Isn’t that Un-American? They always say that a rolling stone gathers no moss, but a rolling stone is going to roll down and not up this bureaucratic ladder.

Of course, there are some things for which there should be consequences. Like making money. If I happen to make it big on the stock market, please tax me until I can’t take it anymore. Capital gains are the unforgiveable sin, the venial sin, to borrow the Catholic structure. Oh, and Heaven forbid I start a small business. That kind of behavior must be stamped out. Extinguished. STAT. Eighty percent of American businesses are undermining the notion that Americans need the government to provide them with sustenance and patronage. Unacceptable. Un-American. And I won’t stand for it any longer. So tax ‘em into the ground. I bet the government will use the backbreaking amount of money it took from the businesses to provide them with a social safety net. They are going to need it.

I <3 Pop Music

Hey baby girl, I’ve been watching you all day (all day x3)
Yes, I have been stalking you.
Man that thing you got behind you is amazing (amazing x3)
I like your butt.
You make me want to take you out and let it rain (let it rain x3)
Hopefully you will be wearing a white tee shirt.
I know you got a man but this is what you should say
Based on these firm foundations for a relationship, I think you should break up with your boyfriend.
Why don’t you tell him that
Seriously! Tell him! I really like your butt.
I’m leavin' never lookin' back again
I have already deleted your phone number from my cell phone.
You found somebody who does it better than he can
Hopefully it isn't statutory rape, he's kind of young.
No more making you cry, no more them gray skies
His previous wish that it rain during our courtship never came to fruition.
Girl we flying on the G5 G5
But he does have more money than you.
And we're leavin' never lookin' back again
We're wearing those blinder things they put on horses.
So call your shawty and tell him you found a new man
I'm a little confused. I thought "shawty" was a term of endearment for women.
The one who’s so so fly, the one that keep you high
In the previously mentioned G5 airplane. I do not mean to imply that we would use illicit substances.
Have me singing all night like like Oh oh oh oh(repeat)
Our neighbors have complained to the landlord.
man she gon' be singin Oh oh oh oh oh(repeat)
Once they called the police.
Now if I talk it girl you know that I will walk it out (walk it out x3)
Just like if I pulled a muscle jogging on the treadmill or something.
Man I’ll put my money (money) where my mouth is (mouth is x3)
That's just a figure of speech, I wouldn't actually do it. Money carries a lot of germs.
Cause you're the baddest little thing that I’ve ever seen (ever seen x3)
Bad means good in this case. Like when Michael Jackson said it.
So Ima ask you one time if you got a man
Are you dating anyone right now?
Why don’t you tell him that I’m leavin’ never lookin' back again
Never ever ever ever ever.
You found somebody who does it better than he can
Of course, that's only hypothetical, we've just met.
No more making you cry, no more them gray skies
All this sunshine is really putting me at risk for skin cancer.
Girl we flying on the G5 G5
Once you fly private, you can't go back. You just can't. It is simply unbearable.
And we're leavin' never lookin' back again
I've torn the rear view and side view mirrors off my car. It is unsightly. Pun intended.
So call your shawty and tell him you found a new man
"We've only just met, but he really likes my butt."
The one who’s so so fly, the one that keep you high
Wasn't Sugar Ray so fly? And look where he is now, reporting entertainment gossip on the CW.
Have me singing all night like like Oh oh oh oh oh(repeat)
You are quite the drill sergeant in rehearsals, I'm told.
man she gon' be singin
I mean, it's just pop music, who cares about vocal technique?
She gon' be singin, she gon' be singin,
Careful not to let the repeated notes get flat. That's always a danger.
she gon' be singin oh you gon' be singin Oh oh oh oh (repeat)
This kind of endurance can only come from serious classical opera training.
Don’t stress, don’t stress, don’t stress
Stay calm.
Just tell him to the left left left
Make the "L" shapes with your hands if you have to. That always helps me.
Don’t stress, don’t stress, don’t stress
Breathe normally.
Cause we gone, and we gone, and we gone
I hope other people won't think I stalked you all day and then kidnapped you.
No stress, no stress, no stress
Everything is OK. Really.
Girl you deserve nothing but the best
Like private jets! First class is too... pedestrian.
No stress, no stress, no stress
I'm not going to tell you again. STAY CALM.
Girl you need to tell him
If you won't, I will.
That I’m leavin’ never lookin' back again
Save your dignity and stop asking me about it.
You found somebody who does it better than he can
At least he says so anyways...
No more making you cry, no more them gray skies
I think the sun damage to my skin will be counterbalanced by the reduction in my frown and worry lines.
Girl we flying on the G5 G5
I told you twice, don't call it a G4.
And we're leavin' never lookin' back again
I know how to gouge out eyeballs and I will do it if I have to.
So call your shawty and tell him you found a new man
It would be more honest to say that he found me.
The one who’s so so fly, the one that keep you high
He's promised me a penthouse.
Have me singing all night like like like Oh oh oh (repeat)
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA (ascending scale)
man she gon' be singin Oh oh oh oh (repeat)
Hopefully I won't get vocal chord blisters.
She got me singin all night like like like like Ooooooh
But if I do, I won't go to that guy who botched Julie Andrews' surgery.
Man she got me singin
It was really a shame to lose a vocal talent like hers to overuse.
She got me singing, oh she got me singing
I can't stop, even though I've tried.
She got me singing, girl you got me singing
AHHHH Make it stop, please! [Fade Out.]

Minutes of the United Nations Committee on the Peaceful Uses of Outer Space

The chairman called to order the fifty first meeting of COPUOS (the Committee on the Peaceful Uses of Outer Space) by pounding his right fist against the Star Trek Fleet Admiral medal on his left shoulder. Members present, Algeria, Austria, Benin, Bolivia, Brazil, Cameroon, Canada, Chad, China, Colombia, Ecuador, France, Greece, Indonesia, Italy, Japan, Kazakhstan, Lebanon, Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, Mexico, Mongolia, Morocco, Netherlands, Niger, Nigeria, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Republic of Korea, the Russian Federation, Senegal, Sierra Leone, Slovakia, South Africa, Sweden, Switzerland, Syrian Arab Republic, Turkey, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, the United States of America, and Uruguay, responded by pounding their medals, reflecting their respective committee rankings. Members attending by instant messenger, Australia, Burkina Faso, Czech Republic, Hungary, Iraq, Pakistan, Romania, Sudan, Thailand, and Venezuela, responded by rapidly typing the United Nations Approved “Winky Face” emoticon: “;)”. The delegates from Albania, Argentina, Belgium, Bulgaria, Egypt, Germany, India, Iran, Kenya, Malaysia, Nicaragua, Portugal, Spain, Ukraine, and Viet Nam were not in attendance. They will review these minutes when the 2008 Comic Book Convention, held in Indianapolis, Indiana, adjourns next Wednesday.

1. The Committee discussed the election of New Officers and the Conference of Honorary Titles. The delegate from Burkina Faso nominated for Chairman the delegate from Morocco via instant message, the nomination was seconded by the delegate from Sierra Leone and approved on the condition that NASA maintain its shuttle launch pad in Morocco. The Committee unanimously approved a renewal of the three year term of the Vice Committee Chairman from Japan. Honorary Titles were conferred on several members of the Committee:
a. The Delegate from Canada was named Petty Officer on Deck for his resourceful performance in last weeks Dungeons and Dragons Sub-Committee Meeting and Tournament
b. The Delegate from Romania was named E.T. for her prompt and reliable communication between her National Office and United Nations Headquarters. Also, she usually gets homesick by the end of the annual committee meeting.
c. The Delegate from Turkey was named Mr. Freeze for her insistence on air-conditioning at all committee and sub-committee meetings, her preference for frozen margaritas and daiquiris, and her blue-ish toenail polish.
d. The Delegate from Malaysia was named SpaceGodzilla because everyone present agreed that would be pretty sweet.
New Officers and Honorary Title Holders agreed to reconvene in six months to prepare for the 2009 annual meeting.

2. Mr. Milad Atieh interrupted the meeting and caused mild confusion when he asked for directions to the Conference on the Global Subjugation of Women. The Delegate from China directed Mr. Atieh to the meeting of the United Nations Committee on Human Rights. The delegate from Romania speculated that Mr. Atieh would be disappointed if he discovered that the meeting was meant to discourage the subjugation of women. Delegates from Australia and the Czech Republic responded by the Official United Nations sanctioned Instant Message code—“*giggle snort*.” The Delegates from the United States, Austria and Canada responded by actually giggling and snorting. The Delegate from China suggested that China’s Delegate to the United Nations Human Rights Commission was enthusiastic about the meeting and that his enthusiasm did not bode well for women who wished to avoid subjugation.

3. The Finance Committee, chaired by the Delegate from the United States, offered a special presentation entitled “NASA Wheedles Bazillions of Dollars from Congress and You Can Too!” which focused on the difficulties of acquiring exorbitant sums of money from legislative bodies. Preferred methods included hiring master criminals to hold the entire universe hostage by threatening nuclear attack. Delegates from countries governed by dictators, military juntas, and totalitarian regimes were excused from the sub-committee meeting.

4. The meeting adjourned after a recap of The Annual Picnic and Outdoor Star Wars Movie Marathon, held on May 14, 2008. The Delegate from Iraq seemed piqued by the festivities when he typed, “DIE EVIL SCUMMMMMM!!!!” into the committee chat room window. He later clarified his remarks by apologizing for entering text in the wrong window—he’d meant to type into his First Person Shooter video game on the other screen. After this brief digression, the event was unanimously praised as an appropriate commemoration of George Lucas’ Birthday.

The meeting was adjourned and members filed out in eager anticipation of next year’s meeting and next Wednesday’s Magic Trading Card Swap.

Life is Hard for Hillary Clinton

William Jefferson Clinton spoke yesterday in support of his wife by calling Barack Obama’s message of “hope and change” a “fairytale.” He might as well have said, “If you favor ‘hope’ and ‘change,’ go ahead and live in your dream land. But if you oppose these foofy ideals, join those of us with our noses firmly planted on the grindstone, trudging along through this mucky New Hampshire snow on our way to what we hope will be the White House, even though it might be more of a light gray because of all that pollution around the DC Metro Area.”

Well, that’s a pretty hard choice to make, Mr. Clinton. Thank you for putting it so clearly. Really. I’m grateful for it. I couldn’t tell the difference between the Dems, except that John Edwards couldn’t possibly be serious about running again, I mean he already lost to John Kerry. You’d think one embarrassing defeat would be enough for a lifetime. Then there’s Kucinich who’s never going to win because most Americans, even the ones who’ve graduated from high school can’t spell his name. (I don’t mean to insult Mr. Kucinich and his family, I am pretty disappointed in the spelling skills of Americans with high school diplomas.) Oh, and then there’s Mike Gravel, but he’s from Alaska, so we can safely ignore. Say what you will about American’s readiness for a female or African American president, we really aren’t prepared for a President who’s from somewhere other than the contiguous forty eight.

But Barack and Hillary had me confused. They cosponsored protectionist legislation limiting trade from China, they are relatively inexperienced Senators, and they both represent “firsts” for minority communities. Oh, wait—women constitute fifty one percent of Americans, so I guess in addition to Ms. Clinton opposing “hope” and “change,” she has the same set of chromosomes as the majority of Americans. We’re running into all kinds of differences.

Another thing Mr. Obama and Ms. Clinton have in common is that neither one gets my vote. I mean it’s irrelevant to them for a number of reasons. First, Indiana doesn’t have a primary until March and the nomination will be sewn up by then. Second, I’m a registered Republican, so I can’t vote in the Democratic Primary.

However, if Hillary wants the nomination to be sewn up with her name on it, she should be worried about Billy’s endorsement. A few days before Iowa, her mom and daughter came out to support her. Then, in New Hampshire, she locked up her husband’s vote. She’s been campaigning for months and she’s just now recorded the endorsements of her immediate family. That seems to be a clear sign that she’s in for an uphill battle. By this time, I bet most candidates are seeking votes from people who didn’t A) give birth to them, B) spring from their wombs, or C) share a bed with them at any time in their life. Those people are the kinds I’d want to have before I announced my candidacy. I certainly wouldn’t want them on the fence during primary season.

Quarter-Life Crisis

Lately I’ve been undergoing a little bit of a Quarter-Life Crisis. Much like the more common Mid-Life Crisis, a Quarter-Life Crisis is about direction, as in, at this point in my life I should have one…

Given that I don’t have a particular direction, I’m exploring careers. I know what I want: a salary that provides for the kind of lifestyle to which I’ve become accustomed, very little stress, and a time commitment of fewer than 45 hours a week.

To meet these rather stringent standards will be difficult, but I’m casting a wide net in hopes of striking career path gold. Generally, I’m searching for something that is primarily predictive, rather than reactive. It is also essential that I avoid consequences. I am left with two alternatives:
1. Meteorology: Have you ever heard of a meteorologist being fired because he or she didn’t accurately predict the weather? Nope. I would look out the window about five minutes before I gave my weather report, confirm my suspicions by consulting my Magic 8 Ball, then go on air. I don’t think I would do too much worse than anyone else. If I realized I was missing out on major trends in weather (thunderstorms, hurricanes, tornadoes, etc.) I would just watch someone else’s program and say basically the same thing they said. There could hardly be any proof that I didn’t have any professional integrity. When I make mistakes, all I would have to say is “Gee, it’s the weather, it’s sometimes unpredictable. That’s why I always carry an umbrella!” And, best of all, except in the movies, there is never an emergency conference of meteorologists. (cf Day After Tomorrow, where an emergency conference of meteorologists get together to—wait for it—do absolutely nothing to combat global warming.)
2. Economist: You might think being an economist would be pretty hard, but lets just run through some classic goofs in economics: Malthus predicted the end of civilization in the early 1800’s, Marx predicted the end of capitalism and the rise of communism starting in the 1840’s, God knows how many people thought Reagan was wrong about his tax cuts, and Ben Bernanke thought he didn’t have to regulate sub-prime lenders because they weren’t banks and therefore had no impact on the Federal Reserve. So basically the top economist in the United States can say, “You don’t call yourself a bank, so must not be one, so even though you lend millions of dollars per year and are funding one tenth of our economy with what might as well be monopoly money, I will look the other way.” And I read Malthus and Marx in college, even though they are pretty much undeniably wrong. Irrationality is a staple of economic prediction: the U.S. economy has less than five percent unemployment and has for some time, but if I call that a recession, I bet I can get on the Six O’clock News to talk about it. So about once a year, I will consult my Magic 8 Ball, learn what’s happening in the American economy, and then shamelessly exaggerate.

Unfortunately, these kind of jobs are hard to come by, probably because everyone else has figured out how sweet they are. I, however, am confident that I can rise to the top by shameless self-promotion, outlandish statements, and a couple lucky breaks.

So watch for my name in the coming months and years. If you see it next to a statement about what’s going to happen next, offer me your silent congratulations. Oh, and seek a second opinion. And a third.