10 Ways to Spot a Liberal in a Bar

1. Liberals are wearing jeans, t-shirts, flip flops and carrying backpacks—even after they have graduated from high school. They haven’t heard of irons and it shows.

2. They have “stylishly” messy hair. It is usually poorly maintained. Boys can hardly see out of the hair that flops over their eyes. Girls have long, stringy hair and no layers. I have three words for liberals in bars: DEEP CONDITIONING TREATMENT. You can even find one that wasn’t tested on animals.

3. Liberals are the ones having deep conversations about big life issues. They say things like “I just…I just don’t know how he can sleep at night when everyone knows he drives a car like that.”

4. Lefties sit in groups of two or three in booths. They don’t do well in crowds. It’s hard to plan the protest against the destruction of the habitat of the ring-tailed shrew if you’ve got to yell across the bar.

5. They still like white guys with guitars, but they can do without the drums. Liberals are the ones swaying with their eyes closed when emo music comes on. The quintessential liberal song ends with a skinny white boy yelling “your kind of truuuuuuuth is just a ghost of your lies.”[1]

6. Everybody knows liberals can’t hold their liquor. That’s why you can always find them nursing drinks. Liberals prefer insufflated consciousness altering substances which may or may not be used to alleviate the suffering of cancer patients in some western states if you catch my drift.

7. Both male and female libs drink appletinis. If his drink is garnished and it’s not a corona, he’s a lefty. If his drink is pink, he’s a lefty. If his drink is also served in bottles, he’s a lefty.

8. Liberal girls are liberated. As such, they will hit on boys like it’s their job. In fact, they advocate an addendum to the proposed Equal Rights Amendment which allows legal recourse for any male who is not an equal opportunity dater and discriminates against forward, liberated women.

9. Liberal boys are ok with girls who hit on them. They don’t feel emasculated when girls do all the legwork in the bar.

10. Liberal boys secretly want to buy liberal girls a drink, but they are afraid that it is inappropriate in the post women’s lib world. In a world where you can’t open doors, push in chairs or stand when a lady enters or exits the room, who’s to say you can buy her a beer? They don’t want to push the envelop because they are afraid of the righteous indignation of liberal girls. Talk about a new world order.



[1] The song is by Bright Eyes. “It’s called It’s Cool we can still be Friends.” I have rarely laughed harder ever in my life.