Olympic Controversy

Ah, the Olympics. The sporting event that gave us the movies Miracle and Cool Runnings and launched Tonya Harding to super stardom. As you well know, the Winter Olympics features many hotly contested events, including but not limited to:

1. Hockey
2. Bobsledding
3. Ice Dancing
4. Curling
5. Toilet Seat Discuss

Oh wait! I forgot! There are two different, but easily confused Olympic Games! There are the Winter Olympics, which occur every four years in various mountainous, snowy regions, and the Brown Duck Olympics, which are an annual event in Jasonville, Indiana. Haven’t heard of the Brown Duck Games? Probably because you’ve been using the names interchangeably and never knew the difference. At least that’s what the United States Olympic Committee seems to believe. That’s why they’re suing the Jasonville organizers for copyright infringement. Since everybody knows and loves the Summer Olympics, I’m just going to have to assume they are referring to the Winter Olympics.

In order to clear up the confusion, I’ll tell you a bit about both the Winter Olympics and the Brown Duck Olympics:

WINTER OLYMPICS: The Winter Olympics features Biathlon, Bobsleigh, Curling, Ice Hockey, Luge, Skating, and Skiing events. Athletes compete as representatives of their native countries. They are already national champions when they arrive at the Games. On the line are medals, money, fame, and national prestige. Television coverage features insights into the personal lives of the athletes and is plagued with poor audience ratings.

BROWN DUCK OLYMPICS: The Brown Duck Olympics features Toilet Seat Discuss, Broomstick Javelin, and Rock Put events. As many as fifteen athletes from across Greene County compete for medals, glory, and a chance to be interviewed on the local news. The only entry requirement is that they wear Brown Duck Carhartt work clothes.

Obviously, you can understand the confusion. Both Winter Olympics and Brown Duck Olympics are Arbiters of International Achievement in their respective arenas. Both Olympics champion athletic accomplishment. And both are sources of pride for their respective host communities.

The only difference then, is that the Winter Olympics is unfairly biased against poorly funded, sparsely populated, flat, warm areas and the Brown Duck Olympics is, well, non-discriminatory. I’m sure the Jasonville organizers would allow any community with the requisite little league baseball diamonds to host their prestigious event. Not so with the Winter Olympics! Cities must apply to a rigorous, but easily bribed, selection committee to win the opportunity to fall deeply into debt hosting an event no one watches on TV. And not once has a city without mountains or unlikely to see snowfall in February won the opportunity to host the Winter Olympics. And don’t even get me started on their discriminatory policies toward rural areas.

The point is this: the Winter Olympics is an untenable tradition. Sooner or later, global warming will catch up with the snow and make traditional winter sports obsolete. In the mean time, the Winter Olympics committee should open its mind to new ideas and stop picking on the little guy. Come on, it’s time to get a life.