How To: Live Alone

September is a special month. It is my birth-month, it marks the beginning of school and the beginning of fall, and it was one year ago this month that I first lived alone. I’ve come to the conclusion that living alone is the ideal situation for a young, spoiled but charming twenty-something. I don’t know if I could go back to having a roommate these days. So, in honor of this great anniversary, this entry is a do it yourself guide to living alone, offered in the form of a list of Do’s and Don’ts.

DO:
DO Drink milk from the carton. Celebrate the fact that you could spit on your clean dishes without spreading any germs, not that I endorse spitting on dishes, that’s weird. But definitely don’t get a dish dirty just for a glass of milk, drink from the carton. After all, it’s all yours.
DO Listen to bad music. There’s no one to comment on your passion for power ballads, Chinese opera or pre-meltdown Britney Spears.
DO Crank up the volume and sing into your hairbrush. Everyone knows power ballads, Chinese opera and pre-meltdown Britney Spears are best enjoyed live and you’ve got to make due somehow until the tour comes along.
DO Buy individual servings of everything. My freezer is stocked with individual servings of my favorite pasta sauce, individually frozen chicken and my coffee maker makes one venti cup of coffee. They even sell wine in individual glass bottles. Amazing.
DO Hit the snooze button seventeen times. When a certain nameless roommate of mine used to do this it drove me crazy. I really could have killed her. I now enjoy oversleeping in nine minute increments.
DO Get a pet. People roommates are overrated, no offense to my past roommates. Pet roommates are not overrated.
DO Lose yourself in a sulk if you want to. You will notice there is something lost in your inability to ruin a roommate’s day with a truly bad mood, but go ahead, your mood swings belong to you.
DO Stay in on a Friday night. Enjoy solitude. Revel in it. Own it.

DON’T:
DON’T Rush into the bathroom in the morning to get to the shower before the hot water runs out.
DON’T Listen to music on headphones.
DON’T Call your friends to get a consensus on which movie to watch tonight. Go ahead. Watch Steel Magnolias again. You know you want to.
DON’T Hesitate to invite friends in for the weekend. You don’t need anyone’s permission anymore.
DON’T Be afraid to leave your apartment alone too. Your apartment will always be your space. Enjoy your own time at a museum gallery or coffee shop.
DON’T Ignore your neighbors. Let’s face it. You could choke on dinner and die any day of the week, left to be eaten by wild dogs. Without roommates who will notice unless the neighbors notice you haven’t come or gone in a while?
DON’T Forget to call your mom. Same principle as above, but she loves you more than your neighbors and may notice faster, depending on your consistency in contacting her.
DON’T Stay in your pajamas all day Saturday. Sure, no has to see you, but it’s just undignified.
DON’T Investigate the strange sounds you hear at night. It’s probably nothing and you probably won’t figure out exactly what it is anyways. Sometimes it’s just best not to know.