A Celebration of Actions without Consequences

In honor of the massive Congressional bailout this week, I think it’s time for us to really thank God for moral hazard. Let’s all get busy doing stupid things and avoiding the consequences:

First, let’s all buy some mortgage-backed securities. A ton of them. In fact, I will challenge you to corner the market for mortgage backed securities before I do. When they fail, and we lose all of our money, and a bunch of other people’s money too, I’m going to demand that Congress give me a few hundred billion dollars to restore confidence in our decision-making processes. Never mind that we made bad decisions. Why should we have to suffer for our own stupidity?

Second, I am going to open a car company. It is probably best to hire a bunch of people so you can intimidate the government into heavily subsidizing me. Oh, and backing my pension plan when I make bad business decisions. I am not going to worry about producing high quality cars or cars consumers want to purchase. However, when I fail, I am certainly not going to blame it on that. It is definitely someone else’s fault and someone else (probably the government) should do something about it for me. Yes, I will take cash or check, Madam Speaker.

Someday, when I have children, I am not going to require them to study or do any kind of homework. Instead, I am just going to yell at the teachers. Then I am going to complain when my school doesn’t pass minimal government education standards. How can it possibly be my child’s fault that he or she is fifteen and cannot read? After all, he’s received A’s for the last ten years. Oh, and standardized tests are racist and unfair. It is not fair that my child won’t graduate from high school just because he cannot add fractions together.

Finally, I am going to get a job working for the government. I am pretty persistent, even if I am lazy, and I think I can work my way up the ladder by virtue of my longevity alone.

I don’t think I would really thrive in a job where my advancement is dependent on my performance. Isn’t any other incentive structure tantamount to discrimination? Isn’t that Un-American? They always say that a rolling stone gathers no moss, but a rolling stone is going to roll down and not up this bureaucratic ladder.

Of course, there are some things for which there should be consequences. Like making money. If I happen to make it big on the stock market, please tax me until I can’t take it anymore. Capital gains are the unforgiveable sin, the venial sin, to borrow the Catholic structure. Oh, and Heaven forbid I start a small business. That kind of behavior must be stamped out. Extinguished. STAT. Eighty percent of American businesses are undermining the notion that Americans need the government to provide them with sustenance and patronage. Unacceptable. Un-American. And I won’t stand for it any longer. So tax ‘em into the ground. I bet the government will use the backbreaking amount of money it took from the businesses to provide them with a social safety net. They are going to need it.