Life Lesson Friday: How to Recognize a Failed Relationship

1. He hasn’t called you…ever.

2. She says she would have called you back but her voicemail is broken.

3. She pencils you in, forgets about the date then calls to cancel three weeks later.

4. You’re a party of one at a table for two.

5. You’ve been dating for a month and he/she still can’t spell your last name.

6. Your parents like you and they hate him. So does your sister, so does her best friend’s cousin’s boyfriend’s Great Aunt Mildred, so does the perfect stranger walking down the street…

7. Your best friend says it needs to end. You trust her to pick out your hair color and your swimsuit. Doesn’t she get some say in your boyfriend?

8. You two break up and make up like it’s your job.

9. Your boss is beginning to think it might be your job.

10. He is involved in a committed relationship with someone else.

11. She is “still trying to find herself.” This is a relationship. You aren’t treasure hunters.

12. He’s married or she’s separated. True love waits…until it’s final.

13. He/She is unemployed and has been for years.

14. He/She is forty seven and still in school.

15. She’s been out of school for two years, but she’s still using Daddy’s credit card.

16. He/She is on the list of registered sex offenders in your area.

17. You’re still dating and it’s been four years.

18. He lives at home with his parents. And he still has a curfew.

19. You’ve never met any of her friends.

20. You went to your Great Uncle Bernard’s funeral alone.

21. You went to his Great Aunt Gertrude’s funeral alone.

22. You went to your company Christmas party alone.

23. You went to dinner last Saturday alone.

24. You can’t remember what it’s like to do something with someone.

25. He proposed marriage to someone else while you were dating.

26. He’s old enough to be your father.

27. You’re hanging on to her until you find something better.

28. He/She still plays D&D religiously.

29. Your dog thinks he’s a loser. (Dogs know.)

30. Her dog thinks she’s a loser.

31. He doesn’t call when he says he will.

32. Her name is Candi, Candee or KandiLyn.

33. His Mom has trouble remembering your name, she doesn’t have Alzheimer’s and you have been dating her son for a year and a half.

34. Last year he got you something you wanted for your birthday. This year he re-gifted.

35. She hasn’t seen her parents in seven years and they aren’t in a maximum security penal facility.

36. When you say, “Maybe it’s time to find a new job; you’ve been a Whopper Flopper for six years now,” he says, “Oh come on now baby…don’t let the man get you down. I gotta do my own thing for a while right now.”

37. He/She has not learned the basic rules of grammar and/or cannot spell words that are too simple to make the SAT lists. (I know that’s not really a relationship issue, but we should work together to weed these people from the gene pool.)

38. Just ‘cause she dances go-go, that don’t make her a ho no, but there’s a good chance she is.

39. He doesn’t try to impress your father.

40. About once a year you find out about another surprise child he’s fathered with another woman.

41. He’s in the "movie" business, but the studio's not based in Hollywood.

42. He/She is gay and doesn’t know it yet. But his boyfriend/her girlfriend sure does…

Now that you know it’s time to call it off, what do you say? Be sure to end it with dignity and tell the truth. Say it with me: “It’s not me, it’s you.”