10 Ways to Spot a Communist in a Bar

1. Communists wear Anarchy T-Shirts and cargo pants, all in drab colors. The handy thing about commies is that they are quite willing to label themselves. It saves time and lets other bar patrons who to avoid.

2. No makeup. Commie girls are low maintenance. They won’t be restrained by your bourgeois conventions of beauty. They know they are just fine the way God made them. Except they don’t believe in God.

3. As you know, communist economies fail so commies must cut corners where they can. To make ends meet, they cut costs by wearing their hair in dreadlocks. This allows them to save on haircuts, shampoo, conditioner, hairspray, hairdryers, straighteners, curling irons, hair ties, brushes, combs, gel, mousse, and pomade. Obviously these savings are well worth the sacrifice of having ugly hair.

4. They accessorize with tattoos. Some people say the only safe tattoo is your mother’s name because it won’t ever change. That’s not true for communists because they don’t acknowledge the legitimacy of the traditional family structure. If you want something that will really last, cover yourself in the symbols of your movement and inscribe the names of its intellectual fathers into your biceps.

5. Communists take turns drinking from the same pitcher. Don’t think of it as “my beer,” think of it as “our beer.” If they all had glasses, it would be too much like something they could call “private property.” And just in case you’re a germaphobe, remember, alcohol sterilizes so you have nothing to worry about.

6. They make the guy with the most money pay for everyone. Think of it as ‘trickle-up economics.’ If we work together, we can start redistributing income from the bottom up!

7. They don’t buy drinks, they just walk up to other bar patrons and “share.” Sometimes commies confuse this behavior with meaningful social interaction. If a communist approaches you in a bar, let him or her know that your drink is just that: yours.

8. Communists aren’t quite sure what a factory looks like, but they bet it’s wa-a-a-ay grosser than this bar. They don’t want to be there and they don’t think anyone else does either. They’d really rather just have a drink of “our beer.”

9. They don’t know the Cold War is over and that they lost. Although it’s no fun to be the bearer of bad news, if you see a commie in a bar, go ahead and let ‘em know. It may be unsettling at first, but they will be better off in the long run.

10. They aren’t smiling. How could they be when you just told them all that bad news?