10 Ways to Spot a Libertarian in a Bar

1. They are all boys. Most girls understand that we need a few rules. Boys are less likely to understand the idea of ordered liberty.

2. He is wearing nerdy boy clothes—i.e. a white t-shirt, a sweater vest, wrinkled khakis and the leather jacket his mom bought him in the fifth grade. Is it more sad that the coat still fits him twelve years later or that he thinks it still looks good twelve years later?

3. He has messy hair. It was recently trimmed, but he has some serious bed-head, and not in the good way. More in the “I don’t own a mirror” way.

4. He’s with fewer than three friends. Libertarians don’t really make lots of friends. They tend to be paranoid about their contact information and are hesitant to release it to their acquaintances. This makes it hard to organize them in groups.

5. He is standing outside the bar. He’ll tell you he prefers the unfettered feeling of the great outdoors. Don’t believe him. It’s late at night and he’s chilling out on a sidewalk. There is nothing great or unfettered about it.

6. He can’t get in because he doesn’t believe in government identification. Libertarians don’t believe the government should have the right to determine who can and cannot drive. Nor should they have such critical information as his height, weight, eye color and birthday on record. He refuses to get a driver’s license and the bar won’t take his birth certificate and baby picture as ID.[1]

7. The libertarian in the bar is the one smoking pot. College libertarians have considered their political priorities and have placed marijuana legalization at the top of the list. Obviously this is a group that is going places.

8. He thinks he’s way cooler than he is. In my experience, libertarians have incredibly inflated egos. They seem to think that everyone secretly agrees with them but that no one is gutsy enough to come out and say it. This “Me Against the Music” mentality makes our libertarian friend believe he has dared to be different. This is categorically untrue.

9. Because he’s so cool, he hits on all the girls. They smile politely and then laugh at him once they are inside. Actually, girls don’t save this behavior for libertarians. We’ll find ways to laugh at you no matter what. We’re resourceful.

10. His mom has to pick him up from the bar because he can’t drive. He’s still hitting on girls from the back window of her station wagon. None of them offer their phone number. At this point, they don’t wait until he’s gone to laugh at him.


[1] Look up Libertarian Presidential Candidate Badnarik. He refuses to get a driver’s license. It’s hard to tell if this is on principle or out of necessity as he has been pulled over so many times that he probably couldn’t get a license even if he wanted one.