10 Ways to Spot a Communist in a Bar

1. Communists wear Anarchy T-Shirts and cargo pants, all in drab colors. The handy thing about commies is that they are quite willing to label themselves. It saves time and lets other bar patrons who to avoid.

2. No makeup. Commie girls are low maintenance. They won’t be restrained by your bourgeois conventions of beauty. They know they are just fine the way God made them. Except they don’t believe in God.

3. As you know, communist economies fail so commies must cut corners where they can. To make ends meet, they cut costs by wearing their hair in dreadlocks. This allows them to save on haircuts, shampoo, conditioner, hairspray, hairdryers, straighteners, curling irons, hair ties, brushes, combs, gel, mousse, and pomade. Obviously these savings are well worth the sacrifice of having ugly hair.

4. They accessorize with tattoos. Some people say the only safe tattoo is your mother’s name because it won’t ever change. That’s not true for communists because they don’t acknowledge the legitimacy of the traditional family structure. If you want something that will really last, cover yourself in the symbols of your movement and inscribe the names of its intellectual fathers into your biceps.

5. Communists take turns drinking from the same pitcher. Don’t think of it as “my beer,” think of it as “our beer.” If they all had glasses, it would be too much like something they could call “private property.” And just in case you’re a germaphobe, remember, alcohol sterilizes so you have nothing to worry about.

6. They make the guy with the most money pay for everyone. Think of it as ‘trickle-up economics.’ If we work together, we can start redistributing income from the bottom up!

7. They don’t buy drinks, they just walk up to other bar patrons and “share.” Sometimes commies confuse this behavior with meaningful social interaction. If a communist approaches you in a bar, let him or her know that your drink is just that: yours.

8. Communists aren’t quite sure what a factory looks like, but they bet it’s wa-a-a-ay grosser than this bar. They don’t want to be there and they don’t think anyone else does either. They’d really rather just have a drink of “our beer.”

9. They don’t know the Cold War is over and that they lost. Although it’s no fun to be the bearer of bad news, if you see a commie in a bar, go ahead and let ‘em know. It may be unsettling at first, but they will be better off in the long run.

10. They aren’t smiling. How could they be when you just told them all that bad news?

Life Lesson Friday: How to Recognize a Failed Relationship

1. He hasn’t called you…ever.

2. She says she would have called you back but her voicemail is broken.

3. She pencils you in, forgets about the date then calls to cancel three weeks later.

4. You’re a party of one at a table for two.

5. You’ve been dating for a month and he/she still can’t spell your last name.

6. Your parents like you and they hate him. So does your sister, so does her best friend’s cousin’s boyfriend’s Great Aunt Mildred, so does the perfect stranger walking down the street…

7. Your best friend says it needs to end. You trust her to pick out your hair color and your swimsuit. Doesn’t she get some say in your boyfriend?

8. You two break up and make up like it’s your job.

9. Your boss is beginning to think it might be your job.

10. He is involved in a committed relationship with someone else.

11. She is “still trying to find herself.” This is a relationship. You aren’t treasure hunters.

12. He’s married or she’s separated. True love waits…until it’s final.

13. He/She is unemployed and has been for years.

14. He/She is forty seven and still in school.

15. She’s been out of school for two years, but she’s still using Daddy’s credit card.

16. He/She is on the list of registered sex offenders in your area.

17. You’re still dating and it’s been four years.

18. He lives at home with his parents. And he still has a curfew.

19. You’ve never met any of her friends.

20. You went to your Great Uncle Bernard’s funeral alone.

21. You went to his Great Aunt Gertrude’s funeral alone.

22. You went to your company Christmas party alone.

23. You went to dinner last Saturday alone.

24. You can’t remember what it’s like to do something with someone.

25. He proposed marriage to someone else while you were dating.

26. He’s old enough to be your father.

27. You’re hanging on to her until you find something better.

28. He/She still plays D&D religiously.

29. Your dog thinks he’s a loser. (Dogs know.)

30. Her dog thinks she’s a loser.

31. He doesn’t call when he says he will.

32. Her name is Candi, Candee or KandiLyn.

33. His Mom has trouble remembering your name, she doesn’t have Alzheimer’s and you have been dating her son for a year and a half.

34. Last year he got you something you wanted for your birthday. This year he re-gifted.

35. She hasn’t seen her parents in seven years and they aren’t in a maximum security penal facility.

36. When you say, “Maybe it’s time to find a new job; you’ve been a Whopper Flopper for six years now,” he says, “Oh come on now baby…don’t let the man get you down. I gotta do my own thing for a while right now.”

37. He/She has not learned the basic rules of grammar and/or cannot spell words that are too simple to make the SAT lists. (I know that’s not really a relationship issue, but we should work together to weed these people from the gene pool.)

38. Just ‘cause she dances go-go, that don’t make her a ho no, but there’s a good chance she is.

39. He doesn’t try to impress your father.

40. About once a year you find out about another surprise child he’s fathered with another woman.

41. He’s in the "movie" business, but the studio's not based in Hollywood.

42. He/She is gay and doesn’t know it yet. But his boyfriend/her girlfriend sure does…

Now that you know it’s time to call it off, what do you say? Be sure to end it with dignity and tell the truth. Say it with me: “It’s not me, it’s you.”

10 Ways to Spot a Liberal in a Bar

1. Liberals are wearing jeans, t-shirts, flip flops and carrying backpacks—even after they have graduated from high school. They haven’t heard of irons and it shows.

2. They have “stylishly” messy hair. It is usually poorly maintained. Boys can hardly see out of the hair that flops over their eyes. Girls have long, stringy hair and no layers. I have three words for liberals in bars: DEEP CONDITIONING TREATMENT. You can even find one that wasn’t tested on animals.

3. Liberals are the ones having deep conversations about big life issues. They say things like “I just…I just don’t know how he can sleep at night when everyone knows he drives a car like that.”

4. Lefties sit in groups of two or three in booths. They don’t do well in crowds. It’s hard to plan the protest against the destruction of the habitat of the ring-tailed shrew if you’ve got to yell across the bar.

5. They still like white guys with guitars, but they can do without the drums. Liberals are the ones swaying with their eyes closed when emo music comes on. The quintessential liberal song ends with a skinny white boy yelling “your kind of truuuuuuuth is just a ghost of your lies.”[1]

6. Everybody knows liberals can’t hold their liquor. That’s why you can always find them nursing drinks. Liberals prefer insufflated consciousness altering substances which may or may not be used to alleviate the suffering of cancer patients in some western states if you catch my drift.

7. Both male and female libs drink appletinis. If his drink is garnished and it’s not a corona, he’s a lefty. If his drink is pink, he’s a lefty. If his drink is also served in bottles, he’s a lefty.

8. Liberal girls are liberated. As such, they will hit on boys like it’s their job. In fact, they advocate an addendum to the proposed Equal Rights Amendment which allows legal recourse for any male who is not an equal opportunity dater and discriminates against forward, liberated women.

9. Liberal boys are ok with girls who hit on them. They don’t feel emasculated when girls do all the legwork in the bar.

10. Liberal boys secretly want to buy liberal girls a drink, but they are afraid that it is inappropriate in the post women’s lib world. In a world where you can’t open doors, push in chairs or stand when a lady enters or exits the room, who’s to say you can buy her a beer? They don’t want to push the envelop because they are afraid of the righteous indignation of liberal girls. Talk about a new world order.



[1] The song is by Bright Eyes. “It’s called It’s Cool we can still be Friends.” I have rarely laughed harder ever in my life.

10 Ways to Spot a Conservative in a Bar

1. Chinos, especially if they are in unusual colors. Girls, look for the boys wearing faded kelly green or sky blue chinos. Boys, find the girls in baby pink miniskirts. Everybody adds a ribbon belt (embroidered with sailboats, whales or martinis) and a polo. Avoid the popped collar. (That look is so over.) Also—this is key—the clothes will fit. Conservatives don’t walk around with their boxers hanging out of their pants or their bra straps showing. We have class.

2. Hair should be neatly styled. Conservatives have well maintained coifs. Liberals don’t. Boys should stay away from girls with lots of split ends. Girls, don’t be anything more than polite to him unless you can see his eyebrows. He’s a varsity conservative if he’s got a side part. Liberals will let their hair get all out of control, just like their protests. Conservatives keep it in line.

3. Her makeup will be tasteful at all times. He won’t be wearing any. Girls will keep the makeup within reason—no crazy colors or application techniques. It’s war paint, not face paint.

4. They have tan lines. One hand may be lighter than the other from long afternoons spent on the country club links. Or perhaps he or she has chic goggle lines from a recent skiing trip in Aspen. Better still, a swimsuit line from last weekend’s regatta… *sigh*

5. Conservatives cannot dance. While they are certainly willing to get down with their bad selves, the sight can be…uninspiring. The best part about conservatives breaking it down is that they almost never know how bad they really are. This lends a certain gravity to the performance.

6. Conservative boys are pounding back America’s Beverage of Choice: Beer. That is not to say young, male conservatives don’t like their hard liquor, but they like it in shots and they don’t waste time or calories on chasers. Conservative girls will drink cocktails and beer quite willingly. They are the ones who pretend they don’t take shots, but gentlemen, if you ask twice and say please they may be convinced.

7. Conservatives name drop like it’s their job. If he/she hasn’t told you which congressional Christmas cards he/she gets in the first three minutes of conversation, he/she is not conservative. Move along.

8. Conservatives have good taste in music. And they like to sing along. We’re the ones with our arms around each other’s shoulders swaying and singing along when Bon Jovi, Tom Petty and any other white guy with a guitar and a drum comes on.

9. Conservative girls are the ones not hitting on boys. They know their place. A conservative girl will catch your eye from across the bar, but it is the duty of the conservative boy to walk over and strike up a conversation.

10. Girls remember—we don’t have time for young men who don’t at least offer to buy us a drink. Liberal, conservative, democrat, republican, doesn’t matter if he doesn’t believe in chivalry.