PETA 1 Food Snobs 0

Thank God someone’s keeping score. Otherwise we might have missed PETA’s big victory this week. In Chicago, it is now illegal to sell foie gras. Those people who have made fattened duck liver pate a staple in their diet will have to go to Schaumberg or (Heaven forbid) Skokie to get their fix.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals finally have something to celebrate. People Eating Tasty Animals will have to sate their hunger with one less option on the menu.

As a resident of Chicago, I will sleep better tonight with the knowledge that no one has been force feeding any ducks on my watch. I’d just die to think that somewhere there was poultry abuse going down. I think this ban on the sale of foie gras should count as a major victory for those feelers of animal pain and champions of animal rights, PETA.

I can also attest, as a resident of Chicago, that I have never ordered any foie gras at any restaurant. Nor have I purchased any at a grocery store. In fact, I’ve never eaten with anyone who has either ordered foie gras in my presence or, to my knowledge, purchased any at a store. I’d love to tell you that I took a moral stand on the pressing issue of abused ducks, but the truth is I hate birds. I certainly have no problem eating them. In fact I find their continued existence irksome. So a tireless advocate of avian rights I am not. I just don’t really like fattened duck livers and I don’t know many people who do. If I want to eat foods high in fat, I want ice cream or French fries like a normal person.

The point is, by my (unscientific) estimation, PETA has managed to save about six ducks from being overfed. Instead, these ducks will be roasted and served with a red wine sauce, maybe with some asparagus and couscous on the side. For that, I am eternally grateful. I like roast duck a lot.

PETA’s initiatives don’t usually meet with this kind of success. What’s different now? I’m guessing the opposition wasn’t very organized. The people who care the most, food snobs, are by definition snobby. The seventeen people who care deeply probably don’t even like each other, not to mention people who don’t really care for foie gras. They couldn’t really get a grassroots opposition campaign off the ground. So they had to forfeit.

Fortunately for the rest of us, PETA has once again missed the point. Even if we discount all of the unethical treatment people endure and prioritize poorly treated animals, foie gras is hardly the biggest issue we should confront. What about veal? Or abused puppies? And kittens who have not been spayed or neutered? There are bigger fish to fry, so to speak.

And someone should tell PETA that ducks fed organic duck feed are happier. They also taste better. Makes ‘em a little bit gamier.