Life Lesson Friday: How to End a Failed Relationship with Poise and Dignity

The subject of this Life Lesson Friday is rather unpleasant. Nobody likes to admit it’s time to end a relationship, but once you’ve come to that conclusion, it’s difficult to chart a coherent course of action.[1] Here are a few tips and a Break-Up Mad Lib to make the whole process easier on you both.

When you’re breaking up, make it quick. It’s like tearing off a Band-Aid, the faster the better.
1. Sit down somewhere public where your significant other will be too embarrassed to make a scene.
2. Have alternate transportation plans so you don’t have to walk or drive her home after you’ve broken the news.
3. Have any personal effects you may have retained from your significant other in a box with you so they will not have to come by and get them.
4. DO NOT START DATING THEM AGAIN. People don’t change that much. The same reason you want to break up with them today will be the reason you want to break up with them again. And again. And again. Do yourself a favor and just say no to the break up/make up game.
5. If you’ve been dating for more than a month and a half, you’re not in middle school and you live in the same town, you can’t break up on the phone, by email, in a letter, over AIM, etc. You’ve got to do it in person. Suck it up.
6. Don’t wait until you’ve found someone better. That’s just classless.

Now that you’ve absorbed these useful pointers, you’re probably wondering what to say. Well I’ve solved that problem as well. Simply complete the Mad Lib below then read it to your soon to be ex-girlfriend/boyfriend.

Hello, [Boyfriend/Girlfriend’s Name]. So glad you could meet me here at [Place Name]. You look [positive but vague adjective]. Do you realize we’ve been dating for [length of time]? That’s [length of time in months/nine] human gestation periods and it’s just too long. You are a [positive but vague adjective] person and I’m sure you will find someone worthy of you someday soon. It’s really not you, it’s me.

For a while now, I’ve begun to notice that you tend to [irritating verb] frequently. It makes me want to [painful verb clause (i.e. scrape my eyeballs out with a spoon)]. Also, you tend not to [necessary hygiene activity] frequently. I really find that [negative adjective].

So when I say, “It’s not you, it’s me,” you can feel safe in the knowledge that I’m lying to you. And do you really want to be with someone who lies to you? [brief moment for response] I didn’t think so.

Anyways, the long and short of it is that this relationship is just not meant to be. In fact, I was speaking with [Pick One: God/Jesus/Buddha/The Dali Lama/Mother Earth/Pope Benedict the XVI] and [he/she] really agrees with me. [God/Jesus/Buddha/The Dali Lama/Mother Earth/Pope Benedict the XVI] is leading me in a new direction. A direction without you. And it’s time for me to get going.



[1] For 42 signs your relationship has failed, please refer back to last Friday’s Life Lesson