Life Lesson Friday: How to Talk your New Husband into Cooking

NOTE: My dear, sweet mother would never do anything like this to a man as great as my daddy.

In the battle of the sexes, women tend to face the most formidable opposition in the kitchen. During courtship, the way to a man’s heart may very well be through his stomach, but after you’ve got the ring, it’s time for the bait and switch. In order to ensure an equitable division of labor in the kitchen, the tasks of cooking and cleaning must be divided between husband and wife.

To accomplish this momentous task, I have four simple rules:
1. Less Dishes are More—Let’s say you plan to serve asparagus. Asparagus can be steamed, sautéed or grilled. Any of these options require at least the following dishes: a pot or pan, a spatula, a cutting board, a knife and a serving dish. And that’s all before it reaches the dinner plate. Or it can be served raw. That only requires dinner plates. You can even plan to eat it with your fingers, saving on critical silverware items.

2. Serve Economies of Scale—At first, there are only two of you. Most recipes are for at least four people. This means you can cook once and eat twice. In the spirit of Rule Number 1, you can divide the food straight from the cooking pans into halves on two plates then cling-wrap the plates for refrigeration after you finish eating the first night. For a stubborn husband, use reminders like, “Oh, honey, you don’t want to eat too much tonight, what will you have tomorrow?” or “Careful not to get any food on the edges of the plate, dear. I’d hate for the cling wrap to come unsealed in the ‘fridge over night.”

3. Serve it When it’s Done—If you finish cooking at 4:30, then dinner’s served. If you finish at 8:15, guess what? Dinner’s served. Don’t worry about convenience. Don’t even think about planning.

4. Persistence and Dedication—Don’t be the first to crack if you want to come out of the kitchen with a victory.

According to experts, your new husband will experience a four stage process over the course of approximately two weeks. [1] First, he will be puzzled. He’s not quite sure where the lines are for criticism just yet. Second, he will be in denial. He will claim that you are working your way through a normal learning curve. You have to outfox him and work to cook consistently inedible food. Third, he will experience a short period of disappointment because, let’s face it, your skills don’t match his mother’s cooking. Finally, he will begin to accept cooking inadequacy as a fact and work to solve the problem by learning to cook himself.

Finally, I have four foolproof recipes to get him cooking in no time.

Mama’s Pecan Pie:
Sprinkle granulated sugar allover the bottom of the pie tin. Gently lay crust on top. It doesn’t really matter what else you do here. The sugar will caramelize on the bottom of the pan and you won’t be able to get the pie out. WARNING: Do not serve to persons with dentures or to those who may soon undergo any dental procedure.

Delicious Chicken Surprise:
Prepare chicken with your favorite combination of spices. Bake in tepid oven for three hours. Serve chicken. The surprise is that the chicken will still bleed at this point.

Quiche Lorrain’t:
Prepare traditional quiche Lorraine with milk, bacon, onions and Swiss cheese. Substitute more milk for the eggs. Bake until it sets. Hint: It won’t ever set without eggs. Serve in bowls.

Fancy Frankfurters:
In a 9X13 casserole dish, place twelve hot dogs side by side. Cover with sliced cheddar cheese. In a separate bowl, prepare powdered biscuit mix, be sure to avoid thorough mixing. Pour biscuit batter over cheddar cheese. Bake inadequately in an oven heated to 350°F. You’ll know it’s done when the hot dogs are tepid, the cheese is 70% melted and the biscuit batter is lumpy but still doughy. Serve every Friday so you can call him at work and say something like, “Sweet Cakes, can you guess what day it is? Yup! It’s Fancy Frankfurter Friday!”




[1] The cited expert is my mother. Let me tell you, it’s great to have the opportunity to learn from a master. I LOVE YOU MOM!