Little People are Shorter than Me

As the shortest person in my family, I have long borne the brunt of mean-spirited jokes about my stature. My teenage cousins have given me noogies for years now, and my little sister surpassed me in height when she was twelve years old. Even worse, my own mother recently informed me that she prefers tall grandchildren to short ones. She thinks I should be sure to marry someone significantly taller than I am to makes sure my progeny are acceptable in her eyes.

To make myself feel better, I’ve decided this installment will deal with people so short that their height is classified as a disability. That’s right, we’re going to make fun of Little People.

The term “Little Person” is an umbrella term which encompasses both dwarfs and midgets.

Although there are more than two hundred varieties of dwarf, most of which have their origins in genetic defects. The threshold height for dwarfs is about four feet ten inches for a fully developed adult male, females are about four feet nine inches short. Some dwarfs are as little as three feet tall. The most common cause of dwarfism is skeletal dysplasia. Essentially, bones and cartilage do not form correctly. This kind of malformation affects between .0025% and .005% of the population. People who are dwarfs because they have skeletal dysplasia are often disproportionate. They have relatively long torsos and large heads with short arms and legs.

Midgets, on the other hand, are quite a different category. They are also unusually short, but are always appropriately proportioned. Again, the height cut-off for midgets is four feet ten inches. Midgets generally suffer from a shortage of growth hormone and other pituitary gland disorders. They do not like to be called midgets because they believe the name is pejorative. I can understand that, given that I use the term to mean “the group of people my mother is most happy I cannot claim membership in.”

Little people are perfectly suited for many lines of work, including but certainly not limited to:
1. Jesters in the Spanish Court
2. Professional Wrestling
3. Mini-Me Impersonators
4. Boom Rigging Attendants, (they won’t have to duck to tack or jibe)
5. Objects to be Tossed by Midget Tossers during Midget Tossing Competitions
6. Professional Skateboarding
7. Models for Persons Imitating the Art of Diego Velazquez