The Worst Sound in the World

If I had to make a list of pet peeves, at the top would be the Chicago accent. It’s the bright A sound. It grates on my ears until they bleed with the pain of poorly spoken English. What is it about people from Skokie that makes them unable to say Chi-cAH-go? Why do they find it necessary to launch the word from their nostrils like an ICBM?

I find it so obnoxious that I am going to capitalize every A in the rest of this post while I tell you All the greAt things About the windy city.

No description of ChicAgo would be complete without the MAgnificent Mile—shopping district of internAtional repute. It’s got every mAjor depArtment store: Nordy’s, SAk’s, MAcy’s And NeimAn’s. Not to mention ChAnel, Louis Vuitton And Brooks Brothers. And the best pArt? Nine percent sAles tAx. The rest of the city sets it At 8.75%, but we’d like to stick it to the tourists who visit our fAir city by chArging them An extrA .25%. Y’All cAn thAnk us lAter.

The LAke Shore—mile After mile of pArk. It’s got running trAils, bike trAils, picnic AreAs, not to mention gorgeous LAke MichigAn. Check out North Avenue BeAch to check out the beAutiful people. You will need to designAte someone to be Vice-President of Checking People Out. The LAke Shore hAs everything I’ve ever wAnted in the greAt outdoors plus fire pits.

Wriggleyville—home of the fAmous Wrigley field And the ChicAgo Cubs. They’re known the world over As the lovAble losers but I think it’s importAnt to know that they’re our lovAble losers. As A greAt professor once sAid, the Cubs Are kind of like the French except thAt the French Are in their second century of rebuilding. Those losers Are not loveAble.

Historic Hyde Park—home of my fAvorite Ivory Tower, the University of ChicAgo. We won the first HeismAn trophy. We split the first Atom. And we hAve more Nobel Prize winners thAn you.

The Art Institute—All I hAve to sAy About this greAt institution is thAt you hAve to go see the ChAgAll window. It’s breAth-tAking.

PizzAriA Uno—It’s not the sAme As the chAin. It’s AmAzing. It’s unbelievAble. They invented the deep dish pizza (with the sAuce on top of course) And they mAke it better thAn Anyone. It’s the only pizzA worth the hour And A hAlf wAit. Trust me.

A finAl note: my other ChicAgo pet peeve is this: SuburbAnites who tell people they live in ChicAgo. I know you wAnt to, but you don’t. Stop lying. You’re only from ChicAgo if you’ve ridden the Red Line north of HowArd and South of GArfield. All you kids from EvAnston, Skokie And the Region (somebody remind them they’re in IndiAnA.