Pluto Demoted: World Crisis to Follow

I’m sure you’ve heard by now that Pluto is no longer a planet. It’s not enough to anymore to simply orbit the sun and have gravitational force strong enough to make the body spherical. If you want to be a planet, you must also clear the immediate surrounding area of other objects.

Pluto failed at this last requirement. Basically, if we had kept Pluto’s planet title, we’d have to promote three other solar bodies to planets. I think we can all agree that it’s easier to have eight planets than twelve.

To replace the classic mnemonic device, “My Very Earnest Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles” to remember Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto, I suggest “Mice Very Easily Jar Single Unhappy Nebraskans. Those of you who are educators can thank me later.

Educators are not the only ones who will have to adjust some things after the dust settles on this planet thing. Planetariums will have to reorganize experiments. Textbook authors will have to rewrite entire chapters. And most importantly, astrologers will have to rework their charts.

Seriously. If Pluto’s not a planet anymore, who will direct the volatile emotions of Scorpios? The Wall Street Journal interviewed a renowned Australian astrologer named Milton Black. He claims “Scorpios can be extremely explosive, and very direct, and this could be the trigger that makes them explode.” Translation: Pluto may get so mad at its new galactic role that it sends one twelfth of the population into psychological collapse.

Here are some tips to assist you in navigating your way through the coming days and weeks:

1. Every twelfth driver will be experiencing some MAJOR road rage. Be warned.

2. Every twelfth waiter is going to spit in your soup. Stick to dry entrees and BYOB.

3. Go to work in an insane asylum. Those jobs can’t be outsourced and the industry will see a boom as one twelfth of the population is institutionalized.

4. Sales of Chinese placemats will skyrocket. The planets aren’t constant and can’t be relied upon, but no one’s moving the years around.

5. A few more marriages will end in divorce. All those people who married Scorpios thinking their signs were compatible will break it off now that a non-planet rules the sign.

6. The Apocalypse: According to my sources, Condoleezza Rice, Hillary Clinton and Laura Bush are all Scorpios. Condi, who has carefully orchestrated the diplomatic efforts of the State Department, will act rashly and the situation in the Middle East will devolve. Laura will leave a child or two behind. Hillary…well…she won’t change that much.