Pluto Demoted: World Crisis to Follow

I’m sure you’ve heard by now that Pluto is no longer a planet. It’s not enough to anymore to simply orbit the sun and have gravitational force strong enough to make the body spherical. If you want to be a planet, you must also clear the immediate surrounding area of other objects.

Pluto failed at this last requirement. Basically, if we had kept Pluto’s planet title, we’d have to promote three other solar bodies to planets. I think we can all agree that it’s easier to have eight planets than twelve.

To replace the classic mnemonic device, “My Very Earnest Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles” to remember Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto, I suggest “Mice Very Easily Jar Single Unhappy Nebraskans. Those of you who are educators can thank me later.

Educators are not the only ones who will have to adjust some things after the dust settles on this planet thing. Planetariums will have to reorganize experiments. Textbook authors will have to rewrite entire chapters. And most importantly, astrologers will have to rework their charts.

Seriously. If Pluto’s not a planet anymore, who will direct the volatile emotions of Scorpios? The Wall Street Journal interviewed a renowned Australian astrologer named Milton Black. He claims “Scorpios can be extremely explosive, and very direct, and this could be the trigger that makes them explode.” Translation: Pluto may get so mad at its new galactic role that it sends one twelfth of the population into psychological collapse.

Here are some tips to assist you in navigating your way through the coming days and weeks:

1. Every twelfth driver will be experiencing some MAJOR road rage. Be warned.

2. Every twelfth waiter is going to spit in your soup. Stick to dry entrees and BYOB.

3. Go to work in an insane asylum. Those jobs can’t be outsourced and the industry will see a boom as one twelfth of the population is institutionalized.

4. Sales of Chinese placemats will skyrocket. The planets aren’t constant and can’t be relied upon, but no one’s moving the years around.

5. A few more marriages will end in divorce. All those people who married Scorpios thinking their signs were compatible will break it off now that a non-planet rules the sign.

6. The Apocalypse: According to my sources, Condoleezza Rice, Hillary Clinton and Laura Bush are all Scorpios. Condi, who has carefully orchestrated the diplomatic efforts of the State Department, will act rashly and the situation in the Middle East will devolve. Laura will leave a child or two behind. Hillary…well…she won’t change that much.

I don't ask for much from this life.

Someday I will have a black Mercedes sedan with a bright blue license plate. My car will have the back windows tinted. It will always be immaculately clean. I will never see the front seat of my ‘Cedes. I will sit in the back.

Bright blue is not my favorite color. It is the color of a livery license plate.

The livery license plate dates back to the days when the moneyed classes had to hire a staff of people to care for their horses and maintain their carriages. *sigh* I don’t know for sure, but I’d guess that those were the days.

The livery license plate also comes with certain privileges. First, they are the ones who get to use the standing only spaces by the doors of important office buildings. Second, they incur the envy of those in the know but not (yet) in enough money.

But having enough money is not the only issue. You also have to justify (at least to yourself) that the expense is worth it. That would be pretty easy under either of the following two circumstances:

1. Your time is too valuable to waste in commute and you have to travel too quickly to take advantage of public transit. If, for some reason, your job requires more time than can be allotted to the office, one solution is to work during your commute. Along the lines of Humphrey Bogart in the classic film Sabrina, be sure to let your driver overhear your phone conversations. That way he can send his child to an expensive cooking/finishing school on the Continent so he/she will be prepared for your (rather democratic) nuptials.

2. You are such a bad driver that the combined cost of your insurance, car maintenance and moving violation fines are significantly higher than the cost of a full time driver and his insurance. To simplify the math, I am holding the cost of car, fuel and standard maintenance constant. Aspire to greatness, but the chauffer alone is going to cost you $46,000 a year, and that doesn’t include his insurance. On the other hand, long before you approach the point that hiring a driver makes fiscal sense, your license has been confiscated so you don’t really have a choice. Public transportation is never a choice. It is a necessity.

In my case, it will be a long time before I am important enough to earn a livery license plate on my sleek Mercedes. Therefore, I will have to work hard to incur driving expenses.

Wish me luck. Perhaps you should also stay off the roads. I’m on a mission.

PETA 1 Food Snobs 0

Thank God someone’s keeping score. Otherwise we might have missed PETA’s big victory this week. In Chicago, it is now illegal to sell foie gras. Those people who have made fattened duck liver pate a staple in their diet will have to go to Schaumberg or (Heaven forbid) Skokie to get their fix.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals finally have something to celebrate. People Eating Tasty Animals will have to sate their hunger with one less option on the menu.

As a resident of Chicago, I will sleep better tonight with the knowledge that no one has been force feeding any ducks on my watch. I’d just die to think that somewhere there was poultry abuse going down. I think this ban on the sale of foie gras should count as a major victory for those feelers of animal pain and champions of animal rights, PETA.

I can also attest, as a resident of Chicago, that I have never ordered any foie gras at any restaurant. Nor have I purchased any at a grocery store. In fact, I’ve never eaten with anyone who has either ordered foie gras in my presence or, to my knowledge, purchased any at a store. I’d love to tell you that I took a moral stand on the pressing issue of abused ducks, but the truth is I hate birds. I certainly have no problem eating them. In fact I find their continued existence irksome. So a tireless advocate of avian rights I am not. I just don’t really like fattened duck livers and I don’t know many people who do. If I want to eat foods high in fat, I want ice cream or French fries like a normal person.

The point is, by my (unscientific) estimation, PETA has managed to save about six ducks from being overfed. Instead, these ducks will be roasted and served with a red wine sauce, maybe with some asparagus and couscous on the side. For that, I am eternally grateful. I like roast duck a lot.

PETA’s initiatives don’t usually meet with this kind of success. What’s different now? I’m guessing the opposition wasn’t very organized. The people who care the most, food snobs, are by definition snobby. The seventeen people who care deeply probably don’t even like each other, not to mention people who don’t really care for foie gras. They couldn’t really get a grassroots opposition campaign off the ground. So they had to forfeit.

Fortunately for the rest of us, PETA has once again missed the point. Even if we discount all of the unethical treatment people endure and prioritize poorly treated animals, foie gras is hardly the biggest issue we should confront. What about veal? Or abused puppies? And kittens who have not been spayed or neutered? There are bigger fish to fry, so to speak.

And someone should tell PETA that ducks fed organic duck feed are happier. They also taste better. Makes ‘em a little bit gamier.

The Worst Sound in the World

If I had to make a list of pet peeves, at the top would be the Chicago accent. It’s the bright A sound. It grates on my ears until they bleed with the pain of poorly spoken English. What is it about people from Skokie that makes them unable to say Chi-cAH-go? Why do they find it necessary to launch the word from their nostrils like an ICBM?

I find it so obnoxious that I am going to capitalize every A in the rest of this post while I tell you All the greAt things About the windy city.

No description of ChicAgo would be complete without the MAgnificent Mile—shopping district of internAtional repute. It’s got every mAjor depArtment store: Nordy’s, SAk’s, MAcy’s And NeimAn’s. Not to mention ChAnel, Louis Vuitton And Brooks Brothers. And the best pArt? Nine percent sAles tAx. The rest of the city sets it At 8.75%, but we’d like to stick it to the tourists who visit our fAir city by chArging them An extrA .25%. Y’All cAn thAnk us lAter.

The LAke Shore—mile After mile of pArk. It’s got running trAils, bike trAils, picnic AreAs, not to mention gorgeous LAke MichigAn. Check out North Avenue BeAch to check out the beAutiful people. You will need to designAte someone to be Vice-President of Checking People Out. The LAke Shore hAs everything I’ve ever wAnted in the greAt outdoors plus fire pits.

Wriggleyville—home of the fAmous Wrigley field And the ChicAgo Cubs. They’re known the world over As the lovAble losers but I think it’s importAnt to know that they’re our lovAble losers. As A greAt professor once sAid, the Cubs Are kind of like the French except thAt the French Are in their second century of rebuilding. Those losers Are not loveAble.

Historic Hyde Park—home of my fAvorite Ivory Tower, the University of ChicAgo. We won the first HeismAn trophy. We split the first Atom. And we hAve more Nobel Prize winners thAn you.

The Art Institute—All I hAve to sAy About this greAt institution is thAt you hAve to go see the ChAgAll window. It’s breAth-tAking.

PizzAriA Uno—It’s not the sAme As the chAin. It’s AmAzing. It’s unbelievAble. They invented the deep dish pizza (with the sAuce on top of course) And they mAke it better thAn Anyone. It’s the only pizzA worth the hour And A hAlf wAit. Trust me.

A finAl note: my other ChicAgo pet peeve is this: SuburbAnites who tell people they live in ChicAgo. I know you wAnt to, but you don’t. Stop lying. You’re only from ChicAgo if you’ve ridden the Red Line north of HowArd and South of GArfield. All you kids from EvAnston, Skokie And the Region (somebody remind them they’re in IndiAnA.

Suburban Manifesto

A spectre is haunting America—the spectre of suburban sprawl. All the powers of the Midwest have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spectre: the mom and pop store, the town square, the local church, and the Chicago City Council.

Where is the chain superstore that has not been decried as suburban sprawl by local shops? Where is the strip mall that has not hurled back the branding reproach of suburban sprawl against the more successful malls, as well as against other new expansions?

Two things result from this fact:

I. Suburban sprawl is already acknowledged by all America to be itself a power.

II. It is high time that suburban sprawlers should openly, in the face of the whole world, publish their views, their aims, their tendencies, and meet this nursery tale of the spectre of suburban sprawl with a manifesto of the phenomenon itself.

The enemy is not urban sprawl. Cities are beautiful. Urban sprawl has architectural merit. Suburban sprawl has no aesthetic value. It’s big and ugly. The walls are corrugated aluminum. The façades are cinderblocks broken up with doors and small windows. The homes are identical—they are vinyl siding monstrosities. The churches connote storage units before they do Heaven.

I’m not in favor of keeping Wal-Mart out of small towns. Just the opposite. Wal-Mart is the world’s largest private employer. Towns of all sizes are indebted to Wal-Mart. I see a strong resemblance between Super Target and perfection. There is something great about a store that sells patio furniture, all six seasons of West Wing and 24-packs of diet coke. Don’t get me wrong.

But we’ve all read Fountainhead. We know that there can be beauty in utility. We know that the world is better for the extra effort. Is it suddenly too much to ask? We can have spacious, efficient interiors with elegant exteriors.

And since when did everything have to be so far apart? Why do I have to get on the highway to get from Target to Cracker Barrel? The buildings are so rectangular they’d form the pieces to the easiest game of Tetris ever. Let’s pack ‘em in like little sardines.

The beauty of suburbia is that you feel like you’re in a small town but you still have access to the excitement of a big city. The beauty of a small town is that everything’s close together.

The new suburbia is not associated with a great city. And it no longer feels like a small town. Vote accordingly with your dollars.

Life Lesson Friday: How to Talk your New Husband into Cooking

NOTE: My dear, sweet mother would never do anything like this to a man as great as my daddy.

In the battle of the sexes, women tend to face the most formidable opposition in the kitchen. During courtship, the way to a man’s heart may very well be through his stomach, but after you’ve got the ring, it’s time for the bait and switch. In order to ensure an equitable division of labor in the kitchen, the tasks of cooking and cleaning must be divided between husband and wife.

To accomplish this momentous task, I have four simple rules:
1. Less Dishes are More—Let’s say you plan to serve asparagus. Asparagus can be steamed, sautéed or grilled. Any of these options require at least the following dishes: a pot or pan, a spatula, a cutting board, a knife and a serving dish. And that’s all before it reaches the dinner plate. Or it can be served raw. That only requires dinner plates. You can even plan to eat it with your fingers, saving on critical silverware items.

2. Serve Economies of Scale—At first, there are only two of you. Most recipes are for at least four people. This means you can cook once and eat twice. In the spirit of Rule Number 1, you can divide the food straight from the cooking pans into halves on two plates then cling-wrap the plates for refrigeration after you finish eating the first night. For a stubborn husband, use reminders like, “Oh, honey, you don’t want to eat too much tonight, what will you have tomorrow?” or “Careful not to get any food on the edges of the plate, dear. I’d hate for the cling wrap to come unsealed in the ‘fridge over night.”

3. Serve it When it’s Done—If you finish cooking at 4:30, then dinner’s served. If you finish at 8:15, guess what? Dinner’s served. Don’t worry about convenience. Don’t even think about planning.

4. Persistence and Dedication—Don’t be the first to crack if you want to come out of the kitchen with a victory.

According to experts, your new husband will experience a four stage process over the course of approximately two weeks. [1] First, he will be puzzled. He’s not quite sure where the lines are for criticism just yet. Second, he will be in denial. He will claim that you are working your way through a normal learning curve. You have to outfox him and work to cook consistently inedible food. Third, he will experience a short period of disappointment because, let’s face it, your skills don’t match his mother’s cooking. Finally, he will begin to accept cooking inadequacy as a fact and work to solve the problem by learning to cook himself.

Finally, I have four foolproof recipes to get him cooking in no time.

Mama’s Pecan Pie:
Sprinkle granulated sugar allover the bottom of the pie tin. Gently lay crust on top. It doesn’t really matter what else you do here. The sugar will caramelize on the bottom of the pan and you won’t be able to get the pie out. WARNING: Do not serve to persons with dentures or to those who may soon undergo any dental procedure.

Delicious Chicken Surprise:
Prepare chicken with your favorite combination of spices. Bake in tepid oven for three hours. Serve chicken. The surprise is that the chicken will still bleed at this point.

Quiche Lorrain’t:
Prepare traditional quiche Lorraine with milk, bacon, onions and Swiss cheese. Substitute more milk for the eggs. Bake until it sets. Hint: It won’t ever set without eggs. Serve in bowls.

Fancy Frankfurters:
In a 9X13 casserole dish, place twelve hot dogs side by side. Cover with sliced cheddar cheese. In a separate bowl, prepare powdered biscuit mix, be sure to avoid thorough mixing. Pour biscuit batter over cheddar cheese. Bake inadequately in an oven heated to 350°F. You’ll know it’s done when the hot dogs are tepid, the cheese is 70% melted and the biscuit batter is lumpy but still doughy. Serve every Friday so you can call him at work and say something like, “Sweet Cakes, can you guess what day it is? Yup! It’s Fancy Frankfurter Friday!”




[1] The cited expert is my mother. Let me tell you, it’s great to have the opportunity to learn from a master. I LOVE YOU MOM!

I Love the UN, Part 2

Of the thirty one hundred NGOs with consultative status at the UN, three hundred thirteen are explicitly women’s groups. That’s ten percent. And you know what? Thank God. I was concerned that women might be underrepresented in the Man’s World of international politics. Turns out, I was wrong. Here is a sampling of a few of my favorites. Just like yesterday, I’ve let the groups speak (mostly) for themselves.

Coalition of Activist Lesbians—these girls work with the U.N. Convention to eliminate all forms of Discrimination Against Women (CEDAW). Between that and keeping the flannel industry booming, they must be busy. Thank goodness they have time to talk to the UN. http://home.vicnet.net.au/~coal/welcome.html

International Association for Feminist Economics--We are a continually expanding group of scholars, policy professionals, students, advocates and activists interested in empowering and improving the well-being of women-and other under-represented groups-around the world. I have not taken many economics classes, so correct me if I’m wrong here. I thought economics was based on math. I didn’t think math had much to do with gender. So what are feminist economics and how are they different from real economics? http://www.iaffe.org/

S.O.S. Femmes en Detresse—these lovely ladies work on a concrete, practical level providing services to women in difficulty. At the same time the association carries out policy advocacy- and awareness raising work on issues of violence against women and on the need to strengthen women’s rights in Algeria. If they provide knights in shining armor, sign me up. http://www.sos-femmesendetresse.org/article.php3?id_article=24

Sociologists for Women in Society—SWS is an international organization of social scientists—students, faculty, practitioners, and researchers—working together to improve the position of women within sociology and society in general. Are they concerned we won’t find continued use for women in society? I’m pretty sure everyone is in favor of women in society, they shouldn’t restrict membership to sociologists. Everyone should join this one. http://newmedia.colorado.edu/~socwomen/about/about.html

Women Against Rape—these girls want official condemnation of sexual violence, including racist sexual assault and the abuse of power and authority. They have opposed sexism and other discrimination by the police, Crown Prosecution Service, barristers and judges. They must face incredibly tough opposition from WIFR (Women in Favor of Rape). I mean really. Can’t we just assume everyone is against rape and get rid of the lobbying group? http://www.womenagainstrape.net/WhoWeAreContactUs/WhoWeAre.htm

World Alliance for Breastfeeding Action—WABA is a global network of organizations and individuals who believe breastfeeding is the right of all children and mothers and who dedicate themselves to protect, promote and support this right. WABA acts on the Innocenti Declaration and works in liaison with UNICEF. Why does it sound like New Mothers Gone Wild? Can we all agree that is something we’d rather not see? http://www.waba.org.my/wwaba.htm

World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts—WAGGGS is a worldwide Movement providing non-formal education where girls and young women develop leadership and life skills through self-development, challenge and adventure. Girl Guides and Girl Scouts learn by doing. I’m not going to judge this one. Even Kofi needs his cookies. Also, the UN could use some practice making situpons and completing the Herstory Badge like my Daisy Troup did in kindergarten. http://www.wagggsworld.org/en/about

There is one women’s group I would like to see talking to the UN. It’s not there, so I think I’m going to start it. It’s called Women Against the United States Payment of United Nations Dues or WAUSPUND for short. We’re making t-shirts. It’s going to be glorious.

I Love the UN, Part 1

The following is a partial list of NGOs in Consultative Status with the UN. These groups, among others, may advise the UN on policy issues in their area of expertise. In 1948, there were 45 Consultative NGOs. Now there are more than 3100. The blurbs are taken almost entirely from each organization’s website. Seriously.

Art of Living Foundation—The Art of Living Foundation is the largest volunteer based Non-Governmental Organization in the world. The Foundation's service projects, programs on yoga, meditation and stress elimination have benefited over 20 million people representing all walks of life, religions, cultures and traditions. Sign me up to save the world through yoga and meditation! http://www.artofliving.org/

Befrienders Worldwide—we work worldwide to provide emotional support, and reduce suicide. We listen to people who are in distress. We don't judge them or tell them what to do - we listen. And I have no problem with that, in fact I support it. The question is, unless the UN is standing on some kind of window ledge thinking about jumping, why is it listening to them? http://www.befrienders.org/

Computer Professionals for Social Responsibility—
1. We foster and support public discussion of, and public responsibility for decisions involving the use of technology in systems critical to society.
2. We work to dispel popular myths about the infallibility of technologies.
3. We challenge the assumption that technology alone can solve political and social problems.
4. We critically examine social and technical issues within the information technology profession, both nationally and internationally.
5. We encourage the use of information technology to improve quality of life.
6. We party like it’s 1999
http://www.cpsr.org/

European Bureau for Lesser Used Languages—In today's EU there are some 46 million speakers of European lesser-used, regional and minoritised languages. EBLUL, with a mandate from its democratically elected Member State Committees, represents the interests of these language communities at regional, state and European level. They tried picketing the General Assembly but no one could read the signs. http://www.eblul.org/

International Federation of Hard of Hearing People—The International Federation of Hard of Hearing People consists of National Associations of and for hard of hearing and late deafened people, and parents' and professional organizations. The board members of IFHOH carry out their work on a voluntary basis. They are working to help non-member countries develop consumer based organizations which can provide leadership for their people with hearing loss. Please note: this organization is separate from any organization promoting the interests of deaf people, whether or not they have become deaf or were born that way. http://www.ifhoh.org/

Private Agencies Collaborating Together—PACT is a networked global organization that builds the capacity of local leaders and organizations to meet pressing social needs in dozens of countries around the world. Our work is firmly rooted in the belief that local communities must be the driving force in ending poverty and injustice. Do we have to collaborate together? Just wait until I start my competing organization, PACABO—Private Agencies Collaborating All By Ourselves. http://www.pactworld.org/

World Leisure and Recreation Association—The goals of the commission are connected with the three magor goals of WLRA (Discovery, Delivery and Advocacy) in the following ways: a) by promoting awareness of the significance of leisure and recreation in older peoples lives b) by giving visibility to the rapidly increasing numbers of older people by the Association c) by providing a discussion of global issues affecting older poeples leisure worldwide d) by conducting quality research, providing meaningful education, and effective management focused on leisure in the later years and e) by supporting the development of national policies and programs pertaining to the interests of needs of the elderly. And they’d love to get right to work on those goals, just as soon as they finish watching this bocce ball tournament on TV. http://utopia.duth.gr/~yharahou/wlra.htm

Little People are Shorter than Me

As the shortest person in my family, I have long borne the brunt of mean-spirited jokes about my stature. My teenage cousins have given me noogies for years now, and my little sister surpassed me in height when she was twelve years old. Even worse, my own mother recently informed me that she prefers tall grandchildren to short ones. She thinks I should be sure to marry someone significantly taller than I am to makes sure my progeny are acceptable in her eyes.

To make myself feel better, I’ve decided this installment will deal with people so short that their height is classified as a disability. That’s right, we’re going to make fun of Little People.

The term “Little Person” is an umbrella term which encompasses both dwarfs and midgets.

Although there are more than two hundred varieties of dwarf, most of which have their origins in genetic defects. The threshold height for dwarfs is about four feet ten inches for a fully developed adult male, females are about four feet nine inches short. Some dwarfs are as little as three feet tall. The most common cause of dwarfism is skeletal dysplasia. Essentially, bones and cartilage do not form correctly. This kind of malformation affects between .0025% and .005% of the population. People who are dwarfs because they have skeletal dysplasia are often disproportionate. They have relatively long torsos and large heads with short arms and legs.

Midgets, on the other hand, are quite a different category. They are also unusually short, but are always appropriately proportioned. Again, the height cut-off for midgets is four feet ten inches. Midgets generally suffer from a shortage of growth hormone and other pituitary gland disorders. They do not like to be called midgets because they believe the name is pejorative. I can understand that, given that I use the term to mean “the group of people my mother is most happy I cannot claim membership in.”

Little people are perfectly suited for many lines of work, including but certainly not limited to:
1. Jesters in the Spanish Court
2. Professional Wrestling
3. Mini-Me Impersonators
4. Boom Rigging Attendants, (they won’t have to duck to tack or jibe)
5. Objects to be Tossed by Midget Tossers during Midget Tossing Competitions
6. Professional Skateboarding
7. Models for Persons Imitating the Art of Diego Velazquez

What is White Trash?

Urban Dictionary, the popular online reference, defines the social group "White Trash" largely in economic and geographic terms, or through association with Paris Hilton. While socio-economic status, geography and affinity for or aversion to Paris Hilton are each valid means of categorization, I am not convinced Urban Dictionary has truly captured what it means to call someone white trash. I shall attempt to rectify this shortcoming now.

White trash is not just confined to lower income brackets or to rural America. And it is certainly not limited to poor people in rural America. White trash is just as prevalent in the upper income brackets and in urban areas.

A person who is white trash is, first and foremost, uncultured and content to remain so. She has not heard of Jane Austen but has read every harlequin romance ever published. He subscribes to Motorcycle Monthly, R.V. Maintenance and NASCAR Review, but won’t read The New Yorker while he waits in his dentist’s office. She owns four uncoordinated Louis Vuitton bags but can’t name three other couture houses. He’s seen Alan Jackson and Kid Rock in concert four times each, but does not know the difference between a piece of music and a song.[1]

The common factor in each of these four scenarios is not that the consumer is without disposable income. White trash individuals consistently purchase “low” rather than “high” culture items when high culture is a legitimate option. This sort of monochromatic consumption is almost excusable in remote areas where choice is limited by geography. It is, however, completely unacceptable to live in a large city and avoid the opera, the symphony, museums and exhibitions.

Of course, I believe that people should be allowed to spend their money where ever they’d like. I do not advocate subsidizing the arts. And I have no problem with harlequin romances, obscure interest publications, Louis Vuitton, Alan Jackson, Kid Rock, or rural America.

A person who wishes to avoid the moniker “white trash” should actively avoid concentrating his or her disposable income in any single area. Instead, he or she should have as large a consumption bundle as possible. Thus, the White Trash Threshold varies based on levels of disposable income. The more money an individual has, the larger the variety of culture he should consume. Obviously, the converse is also true: the less disposable income an individual has, the less he or she can be expected to consume. The geographic distinction is analogous. Ballet options in Rutland, North Dakota (pop 220) are significantly limited when compared to those in New York City, New York (pop 8,104,079). It is acceptable to never see the ballet in Rutland, it is unacceptable in New York.

Budget accordingly.


[1] A song must have words, a piece of music is a more general term.

Life Lesson Friday: How to End a Failed Relationship with Poise and Dignity

The subject of this Life Lesson Friday is rather unpleasant. Nobody likes to admit it’s time to end a relationship, but once you’ve come to that conclusion, it’s difficult to chart a coherent course of action.[1] Here are a few tips and a Break-Up Mad Lib to make the whole process easier on you both.

When you’re breaking up, make it quick. It’s like tearing off a Band-Aid, the faster the better.
1. Sit down somewhere public where your significant other will be too embarrassed to make a scene.
2. Have alternate transportation plans so you don’t have to walk or drive her home after you’ve broken the news.
3. Have any personal effects you may have retained from your significant other in a box with you so they will not have to come by and get them.
4. DO NOT START DATING THEM AGAIN. People don’t change that much. The same reason you want to break up with them today will be the reason you want to break up with them again. And again. And again. Do yourself a favor and just say no to the break up/make up game.
5. If you’ve been dating for more than a month and a half, you’re not in middle school and you live in the same town, you can’t break up on the phone, by email, in a letter, over AIM, etc. You’ve got to do it in person. Suck it up.
6. Don’t wait until you’ve found someone better. That’s just classless.

Now that you’ve absorbed these useful pointers, you’re probably wondering what to say. Well I’ve solved that problem as well. Simply complete the Mad Lib below then read it to your soon to be ex-girlfriend/boyfriend.

Hello, [Boyfriend/Girlfriend’s Name]. So glad you could meet me here at [Place Name]. You look [positive but vague adjective]. Do you realize we’ve been dating for [length of time]? That’s [length of time in months/nine] human gestation periods and it’s just too long. You are a [positive but vague adjective] person and I’m sure you will find someone worthy of you someday soon. It’s really not you, it’s me.

For a while now, I’ve begun to notice that you tend to [irritating verb] frequently. It makes me want to [painful verb clause (i.e. scrape my eyeballs out with a spoon)]. Also, you tend not to [necessary hygiene activity] frequently. I really find that [negative adjective].

So when I say, “It’s not you, it’s me,” you can feel safe in the knowledge that I’m lying to you. And do you really want to be with someone who lies to you? [brief moment for response] I didn’t think so.

Anyways, the long and short of it is that this relationship is just not meant to be. In fact, I was speaking with [Pick One: God/Jesus/Buddha/The Dali Lama/Mother Earth/Pope Benedict the XVI] and [he/she] really agrees with me. [God/Jesus/Buddha/The Dali Lama/Mother Earth/Pope Benedict the XVI] is leading me in a new direction. A direction without you. And it’s time for me to get going.



[1] For 42 signs your relationship has failed, please refer back to last Friday’s Life Lesson

Fat People Actually Think They are Healthy People

According to a Thomson Medstat survey, 40% of people classified as obese or morbidly obese claim to practice healthy eating habits and exercise “vigorously” three times per week. The study also found that persons of normal weight eat no fewer meals or snacks than obese persons.

Just to be crystal clear, these people have a Body Mass Index of thirty or higher. To see if you qualify, divide your weight in pounds by your height in inches squared and multiply by seven hundred three. Overweight people score between twenty five and thirty and normal people score between eighteen and twenty five. Healthy eating habits are detailed at www.mypyramid.gov. Vigorous exercise is activity that causes large increases in heart and breathing rates.

Barring divine intervention, it is basically impossible to rigorously follow the guidelines, frequently exercise vigorously and be classified as morbidly obese. You just can’t do it. These people are clearly lying. The question, then, is this: How do they get away with it?

Morbid obesity is not like six alpha mercaptopurine sensitivity[1] or Hydroxyglutaricaciduria.[2] I don’t even know what those things are. You could very easily say to me, “the reason I am the way I am is because I am particularly sensitive to six alpha mercaptopurine.” I would smile, nod and believe you. But the morbidly obese wear their disease on their sleeve, so to speak.

To the morbidly obese, I offer this advice:

1. Don’t lie to me. I am neither stupid nor blind.

2. Follow the lead of the truly great and truly obese: Marlon Brando. You’ve got to own it.

3. Actually exercise vigorously and practice healthy eating habits. Pretty soon you will convince me.



[1] For more information on six alpha mercaptopurine sensitivity see http://www.webmd.com/search/search_results/default.aspx?query=6+alpha+mercaptopurine+sensitivity+
[2] For more information on Hydroxyglutaricaciduria you will have to look somewhere other than webmd.com they don’t have any articles on the subject. That’s how rare it is.

Fun and Easy Craft Project: How the Women's Lib Movement has Ruined Women

I have been looking around at the new fashions for fall and have noticed the following short-coming: There are hardly any hand-knit lace accents on this season’s sweaters, jackets or dresses. Not to be deterred, I have come up with a solution; I’m going to knit my own! So you can all join me in my embellished apparel, I have included the pattern.[1]

Cast on 15 stitches, knit 1 row.
Row 1: k2, yo, k2tog, k1, yo, k2tog, k1, skp, yo, k1, k2tog, yo, k2.
Row 2 and all even rows: *k3, p3, repeat from *, end k3.
Row 3: k2, yo, k2tog, k1, yo, k2tog, k1, skp, yo, k1, k2tog, yo, k2.
Row 5: k2, yo, k2tog, k2, yo, k3tog, yo, k2, k2tog, yo, k2.
Row 7: k2, yo, (k2tog) twice, yo, k3, yo, (k2tog) twice, yo, k2.
Row 9: k2, yo, k2tog, k1, yo, k2tog, k1, skp, yo, k1, k2tog, yo, k2.
Repeat rows 1-10 for pattern.

Perhaps we will gather together in a small space without climate control and work together! I’ll bring the knitting silk we’ll desperately need. Also, you’ll note that I’ve reproduced the pattern in a small font size so we must squint to read it. That way we can pretend we don’t have the convenience of high watt light bulbs. Don’t worry if you’re not sure what the letters stand for, I don’t either. But I’m certain that trial and error will produce the yards and yards of lace we’ll need to trim our modest, floor-length skirts. I expect have my lace finished sometime before Christmas, 2075.

Just to put this in context, in the Victorian Era, we would have squeezed this knitting project between getting up at dawn, sewing our own clothes on the brand new pedal-powered treadle sewing machine, raising babies, some nominal farm-work (like retrieving eggs from chickens), and raising babies. Thank God we didn’t have to worry about making informed decisions at the polls or we might have run out of time to make all that lace.

The point is, Victorian women did it all: they ran successful households, raised families—don’t tell me that’s less work than a full time job—and still had time to make lace. Also, these women could understand that pattern without ever going to an institution of higher education. So what’s changed since the 1860’s? We became educated. We became enfranchised. We became employed. We became liberated.

But are we more intelligent? More useful? Better off? The answer is a resounding NO! I want suffrage, sure. And I believe an educated population should choose its leaders, so I’m happy to be in school. But I’d trade a job and “liberation” for the ability to read that pattern any day.

When the FemMaj claims to represent women, remember this: they don’t represent me.



[1]T his is by far the simplest pattern I found in an extensive (4 minute) search of the “internet,” another resource unavailable to Victorian women.

10 Ways to Spot a Libertarian in a Bar

1. They are all boys. Most girls understand that we need a few rules. Boys are less likely to understand the idea of ordered liberty.

2. He is wearing nerdy boy clothes—i.e. a white t-shirt, a sweater vest, wrinkled khakis and the leather jacket his mom bought him in the fifth grade. Is it more sad that the coat still fits him twelve years later or that he thinks it still looks good twelve years later?

3. He has messy hair. It was recently trimmed, but he has some serious bed-head, and not in the good way. More in the “I don’t own a mirror” way.

4. He’s with fewer than three friends. Libertarians don’t really make lots of friends. They tend to be paranoid about their contact information and are hesitant to release it to their acquaintances. This makes it hard to organize them in groups.

5. He is standing outside the bar. He’ll tell you he prefers the unfettered feeling of the great outdoors. Don’t believe him. It’s late at night and he’s chilling out on a sidewalk. There is nothing great or unfettered about it.

6. He can’t get in because he doesn’t believe in government identification. Libertarians don’t believe the government should have the right to determine who can and cannot drive. Nor should they have such critical information as his height, weight, eye color and birthday on record. He refuses to get a driver’s license and the bar won’t take his birth certificate and baby picture as ID.[1]

7. The libertarian in the bar is the one smoking pot. College libertarians have considered their political priorities and have placed marijuana legalization at the top of the list. Obviously this is a group that is going places.

8. He thinks he’s way cooler than he is. In my experience, libertarians have incredibly inflated egos. They seem to think that everyone secretly agrees with them but that no one is gutsy enough to come out and say it. This “Me Against the Music” mentality makes our libertarian friend believe he has dared to be different. This is categorically untrue.

9. Because he’s so cool, he hits on all the girls. They smile politely and then laugh at him once they are inside. Actually, girls don’t save this behavior for libertarians. We’ll find ways to laugh at you no matter what. We’re resourceful.

10. His mom has to pick him up from the bar because he can’t drive. He’s still hitting on girls from the back window of her station wagon. None of them offer their phone number. At this point, they don’t wait until he’s gone to laugh at him.


[1] Look up Libertarian Presidential Candidate Badnarik. He refuses to get a driver’s license. It’s hard to tell if this is on principle or out of necessity as he has been pulled over so many times that he probably couldn’t get a license even if he wanted one.